sweetness

1703954250

it's becoming more apparent that posting blog articles is the only way i can communicate

i was hoping my christmas vacation would bring me much-desired respite from the meaningless mundanity of work life that's barely managable without suffering a full physical and mental breakdown. unfortunately, it all ended up feeling like nothing, as usual. still, i cling to the remaining hours before the day of my execution

i've done nothing. went to bavaria for two days, spent the next two weeks buried alive under layers of barely breathable apartment air. my newest habit is sleeping 12 hours a night and playing modern warfare 3. by playing i mean either raging at myself for not being better or at others for playing a game they clearly suck at. structure is dead

some people wished me merry christmas via messengers. they mostly don't seem real. like it's all an illusion. the idea of text-based long-distance communication has burned me out to an extent where the person at the other end of the connection might as well be a chatbot. they are, for all i know. i will give everything for hearing the voices of loveable people again, but they don't exist. everyone is dead. not in the literal sense, just to me, so they might as well be. sometimes i wish they were. it would be different that way. easier, harder, who knows, but definitely different. either way, i didn't respond. can't. i wonder what they're doing in their tiny little lives. more than me presumably. the thought that they live life while i can't seem to bring myself to do the same makes me sick, but there's nothing to do

my new medication is making me exceptionally angry. i'm suppressing the urge to smash this macbook to pieces as we speak. well, i speak, you listen. it's better this way. whatever you have to say, i don't care to hear it anyway. it would just make me more sick to discover you have a shred of light in your life

i remember watching ronnie mcnutt's suicide video. the best way to invoke the streisand effect is making a tiktok about how you shouldn't watch this horrifying thing no one will link to. it's fascinating, really. one practiced trigger pull and the person you knew is gone forever, just meat and bloody mist remains. someone else's bother from that day onwards. back then, i wondered how one could pull that trigger after a bad breakup. now i wonder how one could not pull it

I’m a negative of a person. All I want is blackness, blackness and silence - Sylvia Plath